The Inner World of an Introvert: The Struggle of Doing Everything Yourself
The Superhero Complex and the Myth of Self-Sufficiency
“Ask for help? What? Nah. I’ll figure it out... moment by moment... I’ll figure it out... even if it takes forever. It’s what I do. Otherwise, how boring! And the solution I find will be all mine.” This is how every task or project starts.
As an introvert, I love doing things myself. From knitting to building furniture, from fixing my car to sewing my own clothes, from digging my allotment like a horse to installing doors, I’ve done it all. I’ve even repurposed old furniture and chopped wood with an axe. Yeah, that’s right! I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty. There's just something satisfying about creating something from scratch and seeing it through to completion. But sometimes, this love for do-it-all-yourself and not asking for help can be a double-edged sword. It can lead to exhaustion and frustration.
I remember when I was trying to hang a shelf in my room. I thought I could do it all by myself, but it turns out I’m not Superman (or Superwoman in my case) - it’s like we have a superhero complex or something. But I was struggling to hold the shelf in place and drill at the same time, all that while I was standing on a chair. It was a disaster waiting to happen. After a few days and a few failed attempts, I have managed to hang the shelf. Little did I know that it would take me ten times as long as it would have with someone else's help. By the time I finished, I was completely wiped out, frustrated because I had taken me days to complete and disappointed as the shelf wasn’t straight (even today it’s not straight, but that’s a story for another day). Looking back, I wish I did ask for help.
Another time, in the supermarket aisles, I was chasing a box of Turkish delight which I desperately needed for baking a cake. I think I did 10k steps looking for that damn box and I couldn’t find it. Did I ask for help? Of course not. Tired and defeated I went straight to the checkout, paid for the rest of the shopping and left. I had completely given up of baking that specific cake. Asking for help felt like too much of a job for me in that moment but also as an attack to my declaration of staying self-sufficient and independent (which, we all know, they are skills an introvert need to survive in this extroverted world). And who needed Turkish delight anyway? One thing I was happy about though; I had completed my 10k steps for the day 😊
To me it’s almost like a ritual. My way of figuring out solutions to my projects tend to be like circles within circles. The main circle and also the centrepiece, is ME. First is trying to figure it out myself. At least try before surrender because my independence comes first. Then it comes my close friend Google and other online resources such as YouTube and Pinterest. Only if the problem is too urgent, I get to ask help from a close friend (REAL LIFE friend this time). It also depends on the mood and how emotionally frustrating I’m getting. Lately, I’m getting better at asking for help. I start planning seeking help as soon as I see signs of frustration. Recognising the signs of frustration and addressing them early can prevent burnout and make the task at hand much more manageable.
Like many introverts, I struggle with asking for help because I don't want to appear needy or incompetent. I'm also a bit of a perfectionist, so I feel like I need to do everything myself to ensure that it's done right. But I'm learning that this is not always the best approach. As I like to say, I’m work in progress!
The stories we tell ourselves can hold us back. And we are so good at making stories up. We convince ourselves that we’re better off doing everything alone. But the reality is, we’re not. Even the most knowledgeable and competent people don’t know everything, can’t solve everything themselves, and that combining one’s knowledge with that of others is stronger, more effective, and more logical. We do need other people’s expertise and knowledge to help us succeed (an ISTJ thinking logic? Gasp!). Hmmm….easier said than done!
Sometimes, asking for help can feel like revealing too much of yourself in the game of life. It requires a certain level of vulnerability that can be uncomfortable, especially for those of us who value practicality and self-sufficiency. Personally, as an inner hyper achiever, I tend to associate my sense of importance and accomplishment with being self-reliant. However, it's important to recognise that no one can do everything alone, and historically, people have relied on communities for support for centuries. While this may not always come naturally to introverts, acknowledging our need for help and seeking it out can be a sign of strength and wisdom. After all, “it takes a village to raise a child” and sometimes, we all need a little help from our village.
"Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness." - Brené Brown
Having said that, I challenged myself and asked for help with a project I was working on. I was hesitant at first, but I knew I couldn't do it on my own. I admitted it was too much for me and learning how to do it myself was taking too much time than I had. And you know what? The person I asked was happy to help. They didn't judge me or think any less of me. In fact, they were glad that I reached out for assistance. Like any skill, asking for help gets easier with practice.
"The willingness to show up changes us. It makes us a little braver each time." - Brené Brown
So, the next time you find yourself struggling to do something on your own, remember that it's okay to ask for help. Don't let your fear of appearing inadequate or weak hold you back. And who knows, maybe you'll even learn something new from the person who helps you out.
How can introverts make it easier to ask for help?
Here are a few tips and tricks that have worked for me:
1. Start small
Instead of trying to tackle a big project on your own, ask for help with something small, like carrying groceries or holding a door open. This can help build confidence for asking for help with bigger tasks later.
2. Be specific
When asking for help, be clear about what you need and why you need it, in order to keep the perfectionist inside you happy. This can also help the other person understand your situation and be more willing to help. Instead of saying "Can you help me improve my cooking skills?" you can be more specific and say "Can you teach me how to make a perfect omelette? I struggle with getting it cooked evenly and would love some tips." This specific request gives the other person a clear understanding of what you need help with and makes it easier for them to provide targeted advice or support.
3. Offer something in return
If you feel guilty about asking for help, offer to help the other person with something in return. This can help balance the scales and make it feel more like a mutual exchange. But first of all, it makes you feel good, and your introverted brain won’t consider it an attack to your independence. For example, if someone helps you move, offer to buy them dinner or help them with a task in the future.
4. Practice self-compassion
Remember that it's okay to ask for help and that it doesn't make you weak or inadequate. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, and don't beat yourself up if things don't go perfectly.
5. Identify the right person to ask
When you need help with a specific task, try to identify the person who is most knowledgeable or experienced in that area. For example, if you need help with a math problem, ask a friend who is good at math instead of someone who struggles with it (even if they are not a close friend).
6. Be open to different solutions
Sometimes the person you ask for help may have a different approach or solution than you would have thought of. Be open to different ideas and perspectives, and don't dismiss them right away. Let's say you're trying to redecorate your living room, but you're having trouble figuring out what colours to use. You could ask a friend who has a good eye for design for their opinion. They might suggest a colour scheme that you hadn't considered before, like using navy blue as the main colour with pops of mustard yellow and grey accents. At first, you might be sceptical because you had been thinking of using greens and browns, but after considering their suggestion, you realize that their idea fits your personal style better and would make the room look more modern and chicer.
7. Don't wait until the last minute
If you know you'll need help with a task, don't wait until the deadline is looming to ask for help. Pre-plan in advance what you want to say and how to say it. You repeat the script in your head. And trust me, that’s a lot easier even if it feels silly. Sometimes, having a few phrases ready can save the day. Here are a few of my favourites: “Can you help me with this?” or “Could you show me how to do this?”
In conclusion, as an introvert, it's important to recognise the value of asking for help. While we may love doing things ourselves, it's not always the most efficient or effective approach. By learning to ask for help when we need it, we can avoid burnout and achieve our goals more easily.
In the end, asking for help is a sign of self-care and self-love.
As a life coach for introverted people, I understand how difficult it can be to ask for help. However, it's important to remember that seeking guidance and support is a sign of strength, not weakness. If you're feeling stuck or overwhelmed, don't hesitate to reach out for help. As an introverted life coach, I provide a safe and supportive environment where you can explore your challenges and find solutions that work for you. Together, we can work on developing your confidence and communication skills so that you can ask for help with ease and clarity. Remember, you don't have to face your struggles alone. Let's work together to help you achieve your goals and live a fulfilling life.
Note: The author of the above stunning picture is the talented Bianca Dragnescu, a photographer who has an eye for capturing the beauty of nature.